The CAREjourney.com Team has been asked lately how to deal with non-supportive family members. Maybe your brother does not think Mom needs to have an outside caregiver come and help her with normal activities such as dressing or bathing. Maybe your sister is in denial about the need to add ADA approved grab bars to help your father in the restroom. Maybe it’s your parents themselves that don’t believe they need help.
All of these situations are very frustrating and can often lead to tension in a family that is already dealing with the changes we all face while aging and caring for an elderly parent. It’s important to realize this is a very common problem within families, and that you are not alone in this situation.
It may be time for a family meeting to talk about these issues, to express your concerns and get the support you need. Here a few guidelines for a successful family meeting:
1. Have the facts. Since this is an emotional situation, it’s best to have facts available with dates, times and situations you noticed a need for help. Pictures may even be helpful. For instance, a picture of the front porch with no handrails or a narrow door frame that will not allow a person using a walker to fully get around may assist showing family members a change needs to occur. Make a list of the facts and examples so you can refer to them during your conversation or so you can hand your family members a copy.
2. Listen. Yes, you have your concerns but this is also a time to also listen. You sister may be having a hard time adjusting from being the cared for daughter to the daughter who is now a family caregiver. You brother may still see your mother through the eyes of an 8-years old boy whose mother was Wonder Woman and could handle anything. Your parents may be in denial about their aging or could be trying to hold onto the last bit of dignity they feel inside. Listening not only can help you understand where your family members are coming from but it will help them feel their concerns are validated. Overall, listening contributes to a more productive meeting.
3. Ask for help. We often assume that others understand what we are asking but in reality it often takes a direct question to be understood. Open the doors to a discusion and a solution by saying, “I am concerned for our parent’s safety because of these issues I have just shared with you. I know it’s hard to face they are aging but I need your help in making these decisions.” Often we are not comfortable asking direct questions or requests, so practice before the meeting and understand the importance of asking for help.
4. Repeat steps 1-3. You may have to continue this conversation several times on several occasions before the reality of the situation is understood. Your family pow-wow may need to be repeated.
With perseverance you can change your non-supportive family dynamic to one of working together and making productive decisions. What have you done in the past to get the family involved? We would love for you to join our discussion on our Facebook page.
Your CAREjourney Guides,
Staci Witten and Liz Applegate
Monday the 10th, 2010 at 1 p.m.
