My grandfather passed away peacefully June 2009. He died like most of us would want: at home, after dinner, in his favorite chair while reading a book. This fact has brought me comfort over the past year, but I cannot say it has helped the depth of grief I have felt.
My sister and I were very fortunate to have the grandparents we had. They were present during all the important times of our lives and often traveled great distances to make this happen. When I moved across country, my grandparents planned their summer RV travels to include a visit to Texas at the beginning of their vacation and on their way home. I could count on seeing my grandparents at least twice a year and I always delighted in the comfort of being a granddaughter that was loved deeply by them. Twice a year, I got to relive my childhood with stories of long ago, familiar card games, home cooked meals and hugs that made my troubles disappear just as they had when I was a little girl.
Sadly, my grandmother passed away in 1996, just 6 months after being diagnosed with cancer. My world of having my grandmother’s advice and comfort ended. In hindsight, I can see her death marked the beginning of my journey as a family caregiver.
My grandfather's visits would now be a change from the granddaughter that was doted on to the granddaughter that had to monitor sugar intake, make-ready the house to be accessible for a man who had heart troubles, Type II Diabetes, various other illnesses and a strong stubborn streak. I often found myself in an emotional tangle with him during his extended visits over how much ice cream he had bought and consumed (“Blue Bell ice cream is only found in Texas!” was his excuse), to his complaining that my bathroom was not assessable for “an old man,” to cleaning up that bathroom, to reminding him 20 minutes before each meal to take his appropriate shots. I never once remember stopping to recognize this change in our relationship.
The full impact of this did not hit me until this past year. My sister and I were crying and sharing the news on the phone about my grandfather’s death when she quietly whispered, “It’s like the passing of an era…” How true a statement that was and it made me realize why my feelings have been so overwhelming. I was not only grieving my grandfather’s death, but also the passing of an era.
What I have learned over the past year is that life does not stop for grieving or for processing any emotions for that matter. But to take care of ourselves, whether as a family caregiver, a grandchild, a spouse or sibling, it’s important we recognize our feelings and give ourselves permission to feel them. Emotional feelings often come when the timing just isn’t right. It is at those times we need to be kind to ourselves and nurture the different stages of grief, something the Hospice Centers of America calls “a roller coaster…with many ups and downs, highs and lows.”
My roller coaster of emotions continue over the end of this era and death of my grandparents. I have had to realize that taking on more responsibility to bury myself deeper is not a healthy way of dealing with my emotions. I have also had to realize that pulling the car over to cry is just something I have to give myself permission to do.
There are no rules to grief. As a family caregiver, grief often begins before the death of a loved one and it often reflects the “end of an era.” As in my case, I am now dealing with emotions I didn’t quite fully understand over the past 14 years. But through it all I have realized it’s important to recognize the signs of grieving and seek the help we need. To better understand the symptoms and stages of grief, I have found a good website source to share http://helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm
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Your CAREjourney guide,
Liz Applegate
Saturday the 10th, 2010 at 9 a.m.
